The Story of Baby Y

While this blog has been very difficult to write...it has helped us with our grieving process.

We find that it is easier, both physically and emotionally, to take the time to write the story down once rather than verbally tell the story over and over again until we are ready. Hopefully this will help answer some of your questions.

After about a year and a half of trying to have our first baby, TJ and I decided to go to Shady Grove Fertility to see what other options we had available. Basically we have unexplained infertility (nothing’s wrong with either of us, it just wasn’t happening for some reason). We decided to try three rounds of IUI, Intrauterine insemination, (they basically place his sperm in my uterus when I’m ovulating) to hopefully time everything perfectly in the hopes of conceiving.

On April 15, 2011 (our third, and last IUI attempt) we got a phone call that we were in fact pregnant. The kicker was that my HCG levels were lower than normal but all the home pregnancy tests kept coming up pregnant.

After a few days of worrying…..my levels increased dramatically and an ultrasound confirmed that I was in fact 6 weeks pregnant with our first baby. I cannot begin to express our happiness….we had waited so long and couldn’t stop smiling. At 7 weeks we saw the baby’s heartbeat and were released from Shady Grove to my regular OB/GYN. Needless to say we were on cloud nine.

We went to the doctor for a 10 week ultrasound and heard a strong heartbeat and saw a healthy baby. Everything looked "perfect." They say that the percentage of miscarriage after seeing and hearing the baby’s heartbeat is about 2-3%, so we finally got to relax and begin telling close family and friends our news….Baby Y was expected to arrive around Christmas 2011!!

On June 11^th, our whole world came crashing down. My mom was in town visiting so I made a 12 week ultrasound appointment (an NT, nuchal translucency, a high tech ultrasound) so she could see Baby Y. I think we were all a little nervous about the test, but we could never have anticipated and/or be prepared for what happened. All smiles, we entered the exam room and right away my gut told me something was wrong….but I’m a worrier so I let it go. The very insensitive tech kept asking questions and then briefly said, “I’m sorry, there is no heartbeat, I’ll get the doctor,” and left. The doctor confirmed a few minutes later that Baby Y no longer had a heartbeat and that I had what is called a “missed miscarriage.” We will never be able to explain the deep feelings of hurt, sadness, pain, loss and anger we all felt that morning. I truly believe that it was the worst moment of my entire life. Being that it was a Saturday…we had to wait until Monday to see the OB/GYN. I don’t really remember the rest of the weekend, except for the hope that maybe someone made a mistake. I kept thinking how could we have come this far, been so happy for this to happen and so in love with Baby Y….the doctor HAD be wrong and we were going to wake up from this bad dream.

On Monday we were given three options: 1) do nothing and wait for my body to decide to terminate the pregnancy on it's own (anywhere from 2-12 weeks), 2) take medicine to induce a miscarriage at home, 3) have a D&C -also known as dilation and curettage, is a surgical procedure often performed after a first trimester miscarriage. I know that this is a personal choice and can see how either option works, however for me, the pain of waiting for nature to take it’s course or have anything happen at home was too much. We decided on a D&C but not until we had another ultrasound to confirm there really was no heartbeat. The ultrasound was scheduled for Tuesday….I prayed so hard on Monday night that this was all just a bad dream and that we would see Baby Y doing summersaults on the screen like we had a few weeks earlier. As sad as it was to sit through that ultrasound and not hear a heartbeat, I do have to say that Baby Y looked so peaceful. TJ, my mom and the doctor all said Baby Y looked like he/she wasn’t going anywhere for awhile cause he/she was stubborn like their mom. I think we all agreed. The D&C was scheduled for Wednesday morning at 9:00 am.

Tuesday night I took a medicine to open up my cervix for the procedure Wednesday morning. I was lucky that the immense pain and heavy bleeding did not occur until 4 am so I only had to endure the pain until my 9 am appointment. The nurses and doctors at PW Surgical center were phenomenal, so sympathetic and caring to our situation. Again, I kept saying over and over in my head….”Please wake me up from this horrible dream and make my baby be okay.” The nurse gave me an angel pin to wear during the procedure and now I wear the pin on my school badge to remind me of our little angel in heaven. I did not experience too much pain once I was admitted and was so exhausted that the general anesthesia worked very quickly. The whole procedure was completed in 20 minutes. The doctor told my mom and TJ that the medicine worked very well and that she didn’t have to dilate my cervix at all which would speed up my recovery.

My Mom and TJ were, and continue to be, beyond amazing and incredible. Both supported, comforted, cried and kept me going through this difficult time. Our friends and family are wonderful and did so much to remind us of just how loved we and Baby Y are. I will never be able to find words to describe how much each and every one of you means to us.

I still feel empty and struggle with sadness/anger/and questions. I try to take one day at a time and remember that “everything happens for a reason (I just can’t fathom what that reason is).” Not a day goes by that I don’t think about Baby Y. We are grateful that we had 12 wonderful weeks to celebrate with him/her and will never forget the happiness he/she brought us. We look forward to the day when we can post pictures of a happy and healthy Baby Y.2

I’ll end today with a poem my sister sent me on the day of my D&C:

“The Busiest Day In Heaven"

It's the busiest day in Heaven
I'm planning a big surprise
To let you know I love you
And that no one ever dies

Even though your down below
And I am up above
I'm sending you my wishes
And all my angel love

It's really quite exciting
To plan this big event
For lots of gifts will come your way
And all are Heaven sent

First I'll take a bubble bath-
My splashes might cause some rain
But knowing all the fun I'm having
Will help to ease your pain

Next I'll get some pictures
In my halo and gown
So when you get to Heaven
You can show me all around

I have color crayons in Heaven
And I will draw some stars so bright
And place them in the sky today
For you to see tonight

Then Jesus will have story time
And I will sit upon his lap
He'll tell me all about you
Just before I nap

I'll awake full of energy
And play a game or two
Before I finish sending
All my love to you

After snack I'll write a song
For all the birds to sing
And know I've made you happy
With all the joy it brings

At night time I'll be tired
But I'll still hold you tight
My arms will wrap around you
And keep you through the night

And when you finally slumber
I will kneel and pray
Asking God to bless you
Each and every day.

Love,
Your Little Angel – Baby Y