Random Thoughts...........

This is what kind of post you get when I can't sleep.....

Let me start of by writing about the dreaded questions/statements I've gotten and know I will get as school starts to pick up and I see more people: "How are you doing (said with a sigh) or You look great!"  To each I've been pretending a little and answering with a smile, "Great and thanks...I feel pretty good!"  But let's be honest, while a large percentage of the time, I'm okay....I'm still not great!
I still cry when I see parents yelling at their kids in the store and when a family of 8 walked in to register their children at my school. 
I still can't drive past the doctors office where we learned that Baby Y didn't have a heartbeat without looking away, crying and feeling sick to my stomach.
I still have many sleepless nights replaying the doctors appointment when we found out everything, the procedure in the hospital where my mom, TJ and I said goodbye to Baby Y and the way TJ kissed my belly and sweetly said he would always love Baby Y.  
I still get stuck on the "why" cycle: why has it been so hard for us to get pregnant?, why did we lose the baby?, why aren't we lucky enough to have our own children? which of course leads into the "Maybe if's:"  Maybe if I would've not been so stressed at work, Baby Y would still be here or Maybe if I would've done this or that.  Which then leads into the "how comes:" how come people who don't want, don't appreciate or can't raise a child are blessed with them?  The worst question I'm face with:  when will we get pregnant again and have a healthy baby?   I know it's an endless cycle....but sometimes I find myself stuck on it.
I still get so angry that I just sit and cry and resist throwing things at the wall (I'm not crazy...just angry that this all happened).
I still put on a happy face whenever people who don't know me ask if I have children and/or when I plan on having them.  I just respond "Not yet, but I would love to have children!"
So am I doing okay??? Yeah....am I doing great??? Not really....but I am taking it day by day and each day gets better and there are more nights of sleeping than staying awake with the above thoughts.  I know I will never stop thinking about/loving Baby Y but I feel like I am getting closer to accepting that what happened did happen for a reason....a reason I will never accept or understand, but I have to believe it happened for a reason.

I do have to share what keeps me going each and every day.
I have an AMAZING husband who is sweet, funny and pushes me to be a better person every day.  He loves me when I'm happy, sad, angry and frustrated.  He makes me laugh, dances with me whenever people on TV are dancing.  He is a BIG reason why I'm on my way to being great again.
My mom is always there to listen, offer advice and tell me it's okay to be upset and sad.  I know that one day I will be a Mom and I hope that my children love me as much as I love her.
My dad who instilled the quality of hard work in me and because of that I have an awesome new job, much closer to home, that I am proud to have.
My friends....you know who you are.  You have been there for me when I needed you the most.  Whether it's meeting up for dinner, taking beach trips, shopping, watching movies, going swimming, sharing exciting and happy news and just keeping me in the loop!  You continue to help make my days so much better!
My little boogie butt....Leo!  The way he cries and throws himself on the floor out of happiness when I get home, the way he just sits with me when I cry and gives me the "are you okay?" doggie look, the kisses he gives me just when he knows I need one, the way he always jumps up on the bed to wake me up in the morning, the way he curls up at my feet when he goes to sleep.  He makes me smile all the time!
My sister, Erik and Zack and their skype calls always make me happy.  Erik and Zack for their awesome dance moves and stories....they really are great kids!!

So at the end of the day, while I may still be a little cloudy on how I feel about life in general....it's the people and the moments we share together that are helping me get back to that "Great" place I once was in.

Until next time......